I'm Not Good at Boys

I have had one relationship, so it's pretty apparent that I am not the greatest at boys/boyfriends/"talking to" boys/flirting/having dates with boys.

It doesn't really bother me that I'm not good at Boyology, it bothers me why I'm not good at it.

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"Woe is me!  Woe are we!" cries the chorus of boys in dismay.  "We don't know what women want!"

Here's the thing: it isn't that hard.  If guys would just stop making things so complicated, then life would just be so much easier for girls like me.

Though, I guess I can't blame it all on them.  Girls definitely like to twist things around.  But, again, that whole situation makes things hard for me.

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I think everyone has "trust issues," and I think that is totally normal.  The problem with trust issues is that they are usually unfair and that they are made by a really vicious cycle.

Somewhere, sometime, some manipulative lady milked some nice guy for everything he was worth and then blew him off.  Then that guy started drinking and blaming all the world's problems on women, and then all of this guy's equally drunk friends started making mountains out of mole hills and jumped on the bandwagon.

The coquettish broad who strung the nice guy along completely displaced all the blame from herself in a wine-fueled powwow with her closest friends.  After many compliments on how beautiful, wonderful, smart, vivacious, and better-off-without-him she was, every lady in the group realized that self-victimization was the Number One way to get compliments, which--as we know--makes women feel empowered.

After that, boys were suspicious and girls were too needy.  Subsequently, we now have chocolate-covered everything.

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I'm not saying that I'm perfect (even though I actually kind of am).  I know I make mistakes; I know I get weepy sometimes; I know I am hard to read.  I also know that I don't play games, and I really don't know why anyone would want to.

I have a genuine lack of concern for going through phones, creeping social media (for anything except a recreational pastime), and knowing where a dude is 24/7.  While I think this is one of my better qualities, I think it's something that makes boys suspicious of me.

It's not that I don't care: it's that I don't have the time (or desire) to keep tabs on someone.  The way I see it is you're either involved or you're not: if you have that little trust for someone that you need to perpetually check up on them, then maybe you need to reevaluate your involvement.

Of course I think that trust should be earned over time, but not because I have roll-over doubts from the last guy I dated (who, by the way, was a total dingus).  That isn't fair.  Every guy is different, so you can't chalk them all up on the same rubric that you formulated from your first failed relationship.  

There's a difference between wising up and being a distrustful little shrew.

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This brings me back to the point I was making about "it being hard for me."  Instead of learning from past experiences (especially the bad ones), I have realized that most people dwell on them.  There is a huge difference between dwelling on something and learning from it.  Because people aren't willing to move past the past, they miss out on new opportunities by projecting old problems on new situations.  

I think the reason humans have a hard time trusting each other is because we can't let go of the bitterness and negativity in our lives.  It is really hard to move past things, especially when they are negative experiences.  It's kind of like that saying that goes "once you learn a new word, you'll start hearing it everywhere" because you've been attuned to it.  It's a fall of innocence, if you will.  It is really hard to trust people after you have been betrayed.

Maybe my naivety makes me look stupid or manipulative, even though it comes from a positive place.  Maybe because I am too trusting, it makes me come off as untrustworthy.  I don't know.  I am attributing my failure in Boyology to that, because I really don't know what else it could be.  I'm not shirking any ownership of my negative qualities (as if I actually had any), I just genuinely have no better explanation (except that maybe I'm a little too Type-A and also a little non-committal).

Either way, I think that solid relationships (whether familial, friendly, or romantic) succeed when people are on the same page as far as trust goes.  It's not my fault that I'm not always trusted: sometimes people just aren't as trusting from the jump as I am, and that is totally okay.  I choose to be trusting because I choose not to be encumbered by my past--I'd rather take a few lumps and gain a few pearls of wisdom than never get hurt and never learn anything new.

It is exasperating for me that I don't always play my cards right with guys, but I'm really proud that I always stay level-headed and honest.  Even if someone else disappoints me, at least I am confident in the fact that I can trust myself and stay true to who I am.  At the end of the day, I guess that's more important than being good at Boyology, anyway.

SWF, 22, Seeks Immediate Change

The only thing I hate about old people is that they tell you not to worry about stuff.

"You're still young.  You have time."

The reason this bothers me so much lately is that I have lived for almost an entire year after graduating from one of the best universities and I am, alas, still seeking employment that will actually pay my bills.  Why?

Since I'm still young, I guess I'm not afflicted with the finite pressures of time.  Or maybe it's just that I have lots more time to waste...

I'm literally at my breaking point.  I got an email today from a company that informed me that I was not offered the job, which is fine, because I prefer to know that I'm no longer being considered instead of putting all my fragile little hopeful eggs into a basket of deceit.  However, the thing that made my blood boil over it was the cheery and condescending blurb at the end that wished me better luck at the next place I applied to.

Like, thank you?

To add insult to injury, I was reminded that I am stuck living in a dinky town that I loathe with every fiber of my being.  Since I'm unemployed (I love my internship, but it is unpaid *ten million tears*), I don't have the resources to get out of this situation.  So I have been stalling and feeling perpetually panicked about my life going nowhere (based on my track record, let's be honest).

I have changed my tactics repeatedly and gotten creative with my resources.  The sucky thing is, though, that it is all out of my hands--I can't make someone hire me, even though my resume is amazing.  I'm a pretty patient person, but I am also driven by intention, so I hate endlessly waiting around.  Therefore, twiddling my thumbs and watching job postings for almost a year has been soul-crushingly exhausting for me.  (Not to mention that sitting at my computer for hours on end to fill out applications has essentially given me glaucoma and muscle atrophy.)

So I guess you could say my complaint of the day is stalling.  I'm 22, single (ugh, don't even get me started), bored out of my freaking mind, and (honestly) pretty disappointed with my life so far.  But I am doing the best with what I have, which, I guess, is really all I can do.